Yarngirle

2012-01-07T14:10:00.001-05:00

no one should have to bare this.

2011-07-31T19:53:00.000-05:00

I had my last ablation about a month ago. Since then I have been continuing w the desensitization exercises from PT. This is the last ablation so, I am really trying to get the CRPS to be less freaking out-ish. The drs are trying another medication to help dull the pain. I'm trying to walk and do as much as I can.

2011-07-31T12:04:00.001-05:00

"It is a tragedy of the first magnitude that millions have ceased to use their hands...this great gift...It is highly likely that a time will come when we shall be so incapacitated and weak that we shall begin to curse ourselves for having forgotten the use of the living machines given to us by God."

Mahatma Gandhi

2011-05-30T12:19:00.004-05:00

I am still knitting. I promise. My older brother and his wife just had their first baby. I have been knitting lots of baby stuff. Couldn't post pictures until the presents were delivered.

Right now I am working on a blanket for the baby. It is just the big bad baby blanket pattern fron s'nb. Nothing that is heirloom quality yet.

For J, a pair of socks. More socks for the husband. A felted purse. An other little clutch purse for fun from Rowan #37.

2011-05-30T12:06:00.003-05:00

The wedding was beautiful. Absolutely amazing minus my right butt cheek. The seamstresses forgot to stitch part of the chiffon to the back of the dress, but we caught it 5 minutes before the ceremony, so no one got mooned. Everyone in the bridal party is a sew-er. Nothing to panic over. I thought it was very humerous yet a little irritating bc the ladies who altered the dress had several mishaps up to and including the day before the wedding. Else, it was fine. If that was their only mishap, it would have been hilarious. Quick I do, quick dance, lots of food and good cake, plenty of sitting. And, a shot of tequila. :) I don't have the pictures yet.

I got an PT nerve block injection and new tape the Wednesday right before the wedding. It was beyond exhausting and painful but what else can I do? Just do the best I can and rest when I have to. Everything was modified, cut, or shortened to accomodate me.

My doctors would be proud bc I walked as much as I could as often as I could on the honeymoon. I even got special awesome ortho shoes that don't look like ortho shoes.

I am still considering amputation or a sympathectomy, but I don't know how far up they would have to cut my leg bc the crps is up to my midthigh now. So a prosthetic may not be able to be fitted depending on where they cut. The ablations reduce it but I can only have one more w/o risking perm damage/paralysis/bladder difficulties/more scar tissue/rerouted nerve signals/etc. The sympathectomy is controversial. I am still younger (ie at least 53 more years to live). So I need to find something that will allow me to live in less pain. My jaw has been so tight that I broke two teeth in the few months. The same one on the left and right in the back of my mouth.

2011-05-07T22:52:00.000-05:00

The drs and I have a little plan for my wedding. One of the ladies from one of the dr's offices is even coming to the wedding. Everything is being redone so I don't have to stand up for long, don't have to worry about anything touching my leg/foot, no puffy dress crap, lots of breaks, etc etc... I know I will be worn out though.

The girls and I hand made the favors instead of ordering them. We paid about 1/3 the price it would have been to order them. I think they turned out great. And, they are chocolate.

This looks really neat - http://www.vitalitymedical.com/iwalkfree-knee-walkers.html

2011-01-14T19:31:00.001-05:00

I sold my self-righteous mobile in December. It was time to get a new car. My new car has an auxiliary connecty jack. My commute is nicer now that I can listen to podcasts and my iPod.

One of my doctor said that my leg was "starving"; it wasn't getting all of the nutrients, oxygen, and blood that it needed. She said this is also what CRPS does and why my leg gets so tired and cramps. Given this, what is the potential of the leg becoming necrotic bc of this? If the potential is high or medium high, then eventually it would die, so is it going to get worse over time? If so, how long will that take? If it going to just get worse, should I just cut it now so I can to live a life? Or, wait until it just crumbles or shatters?

2011-01-02T18:20:00.004-05:00

I have been sick since last Tuesday. L has been sick since last Sunday night - the day after Christmas. we have both been sick w a combination of a stomach flu combined w a kick ass cold. it has been awful for the both of us. I will not describe the horror, but I am sure you can imagine.

Today is the first day I am out of the house w/o getting sick or feeling like I will pass out - granted it is just Sbux. L is a lot better now but still has a lingering cough and fatigue. We have just been laying on the couch or in bed.

Waiting btw vomiting and sneezing, you start thinking. If I didn't have to walk, my foot would not have the pressure it would from trying to walk. There is no way I could get by not walking, they don't make attachments for bum legs out of upside down toilet plungers, so amputation creeps back into my mind. Let's just entertain this thought for one moment. Can you tell I have been watching Rebuilt again? There are a lot of if's w this. Let's say that we have certain givens that have to occur before I would seriously pursue this. It would have to be below the knee. I would have to be guaranteed that I would be able to walk and to be able to have a prosthetic. I would need to be guaranteed that the pain would stop.

I would like to live my life again. I don't know how much longer I can cope w the pain and still "function". I don't know how much longer I can work. I have no idea how long it would take to get disability benefits. Most ppl wait years to get any assistance. I need health insurance and money. I cannot afford to wait years. The quality of my life decreases every day. Every day I do less and less. I say no to more and more.

I do not expect my friends to u/s, but I don't want them not to be my friends. I say no to more things than I say yes, and I worry about my friendships. They know what happened and what it entails, but I u/s they cannot relate. I cannot expect them to. I would hope that they would know how much I want to go out and do things w them but can't always do what they are able to do.

Our wedding is in May. WTF am I going to do about participating all day? dancing? Scratch off having children. Where TF am I going to get the strength or energy to raise or carry a child? According to my podiatrist, the osteoporosis in my leg and foot is equivalent to a seventy year old woman. How is that going to support the weight of a child or trying to get a car seat into the car? She said that if I fell, my leg would break again.

The osteoporosis is only in my left leg and foot. It is no where else in my body. It is just what CRPS does.

I feel like I am at a point where I am starting to rip out my hair. I have researched and researched, went to all of the top doctors in the country, the specialist in the entire world for this (apparently there is only one), tried conventional and alternative treatments, blah blah blah. Where do I go from here? Amputation.

2010-09-25T19:49:00.000-05:00

I went to the specialist for rsd. When I made an appointment, the wait time was 1.5 years. Now the wait time is 2-3 years. The specialist said my rsd/crps was severe and there is no cure. The only thing they can recommend at this point, is to reduce my pain. Of course, he recommended the ketamine iv drip for 10 days, which no health insurance covers right now, and the specialist is the only one in the country that does this treatment.

The treatment makes sense. We have researched and researched it.

before i can be scheduled for the treatment, I have to have a series of testing by a neuropsychologist and a cardiologist. I saw neuropsych on the day of my specialist appointment.

the cardiologist appointment is not until 10/13/10. Hopefully, I will be cleared by the cardiologist and then scheduled for the ketamine drip. it takes about 3 months to be put on the schedule. so maybe, january, february, or march i will get the treatment. hopefully, this will be done before we get married.

the specialist also said the rsd/crps is spreading and there are signs of nerve sensitization in my arms. there are color changes on my forearms consistent w those on my left foot. i almost died when he said that. i dont feel anything other than the usual carpal tunnel that i've had since i worked at tj maxx and irritation from using my cane. i cannot imagine what i will do if it spreads to my arms and cannot knit (or drive, write, hold things, pick up things, etc). knitting is what is keeping me sane at this point. and L, of course.

When I told L how much it cost, he didnt hesitate and said you got to do this to get better; i will give you the money. wouldn't it be great if you could dance on our wedding day? i love this man! he surprises me every day w how amazing he is.

I am miffed that i will have to travel 300 miles each way, pay for travel/food/tolls/treatment out of pocket, stay there for two weeks, take fmla from work, be injected w drugs, and hang out in the out patient part of the hospital just bc someone didnt fix and level a stair. Compared to what my body has already withstood/gone through, this is nothing, but I guess I am still a little bitter about what happened bc now i have a prognosis.

2010-09-06T19:01:00.003-05:00

I am so glad for this three day weekend. Everyday I just get more and more tired. Work takes everything I have out of me. I feel like I have worked out at the gym all day when I get home at night. There is nothing wrong w my bloodwork, kidneys, liver, or thyroid. My doctor said that my left leg is starving, and that was the nature of the CRPS. My physical therapist says it is the atrophy, the right leg is compensating, so the left leg is getting de-conditioned, the inflammation, the osteoporosis, the CRPS. all of it makes me exhausted.

I don't do much during the week outside of work, doctors, sleep, sit on the couch.

There is no cure for CRPS.

I would like to get be in better shape for the wedding, but I just freak out too much and am too concerned about what textures/debris/carpet fibers are going to touch my left foot. I know how crazy that sounds. My left foot/leg is ridiculous.

So, I have been looking for something that I can do. I can't stand for long. Maybe long enough to make a cheese sandwich, in one place, on a smooth surface, leaning slightly against the counter. I can't pick up and put down the left foot. Textures and random bits of whatever on the ground just hurt too much. The leg cannot be folded underneath me or touching the floor. The leg can't bare the entire weight of my body. Running is straight out. I can't do aerobics or kick boxing w/o falling on the floor each time I put my left foot on the ground. Every step I take is calculated, examined, slow. It sucks ass. I loved kick boxing. I am looking for exercises that I can do w one leg.

yoga for the disabled dvd
10 minute knock out body for the Wii but sitting
abs and arms w resistance band
ab circle

I guess the problem now is where do I get the energy to do this?

2010-08-20T21:41:00.002-05:00

who would have thought that i would be getting married? yeah. weee-ah-duh (weird). I'm glad how it turned out. I like being here. L. the cats. my craft room. the ocean. the sun. the trees. xoxo

updated

2010-08-15T16:44:00.005-05:00

this is just a running list of ideas for possible wedding favors/place cards. I haven't decided if I am going make them myself or just purchase them. It depends on time and cost and if I am up to it. Not everyone drinks that we are inviting, so no wine bottle toppers. We're practical, so something that is actually useful or can be used up, like candles, candy, soap, flowers/seeds, etc. It can have some romance or whimsy to it. The ceremony and the reception are right by/on the beach.

Perfect Pear soap - already made

shell and starfish frosted glass coaster

seashells gel candle

shell gel candle - same gel candle for less at another site

x & o - hugs and kisses from the mr and mrs soap - or maybe even x & o chocolate

personalized soy candles

herb seed card

shell tea light candles

personalized lipbalm- i'm a sucker for lipbalm. i could make this myself, but idk how I will be feeling or what. it's cute.

chocolate lollipops

2 piece box - just add 2 chocolate shells

place cards that are plantable

I like the gel candle and the seed place cards the best so far. maybe the shell tea lights. chocolates? lipbalm?
181.50/50 vs 154.00/50 75.00/60 95.00/50 97.00/70

2010-08-15T11:15:00.005-05:00

I keep having these dreams that I can walk. When I wake up, it's back to crippled. ugh.

I'm still going to desensitization therapy. It is honest to goodness torture - that is the whole point. They put my leg/foot in ice, moving water, hot things, scratchy things, rice, wash cloths, gauze, rubber balls, marbles, tennis balls, the list goes on and on. It is supposed to help my leg/foot from freaking out when something touches it. I don't enjoy it. My jaw doesn't either. My neck and jaw are so tight from clenching my jaw and holding my self still to withstand this. It is almost two hours each time twice a week. Afterward, I am no good and just want to pass out.

Which brings my total number of doctor visits each week to four. four out of seven days I go to some doctor to poke at me, twist me, smush me, scratch me, stab me, blah blah blah. I am exhausted and frustrated.

I have kinesiology tape on my leg and foot now. It is supposed to help the lymphodema and the pain. I am see some difference, esp in my ankle and right where my foot meets my toes. Sometimes I can't stand even the tape on me and start cutting it off.

Here is some good news - we booked the venue which is also the cater. Even though we agreed on a menu, we don't have to finalize the choices until like January or February. I reserved my dress. it's beautiful! I am still looking for bridesmaid's dresses, a dj, the cake, photographer, and the officiant. I have two djs, one cake maker, and two officiants to check out. We also need to get the marriage license. We picked out the invitations and thank yous. I have no idea what to make for favors. I am working on the bridesmaids' presents now. My uncle is a florist and wants to do the flowers. I have some ideas for flowers, bouquets, and centerpieces. I need to finalize the list and gather the addresses/phone numbers.

Everyone tells me to start now and others are like you have so much time. I figure the main things - venue, food, officiant, my dress, dj, flowers should be done earlier bc of the date we would like and it takes some time to get everything ordered/prepared/altered/etc. the bridesmaids' dresses, favors, invitations, thank you cards a little bit later. I got a planner book thing that has a calender of when things are good to have planned. The planner is small enough to fit in my purse. Plus, whatever gets done now and in the next few months is less we have to worry about as the wedding gets closer. We can sit, relax, and get manicures. and have a mojito. 5/14/11.

The venue offers a sushi platter that we are so getting! and cheesecake. L loves cheesecake.

L wants to go to Vegas for the honeymoon. sounds good to me. they have shuttle buses so I don't have to worry about walking everywhere, and I can always get a massage minus my leg/foot while I rest. :) I am so glad and relieved he is more understanding of my leg.

I will give you one hint for the bridesmaids' presents - wool/silk blend. I know that is not much of a hint. Of course, it's something knitted. Ok, here is a real hint - Emma King. The maid of honor is going to have a different one than the other bridesmaids.

I'm still knitting socks. I am making another pair of Plain Jayne socks. This way I can work on them during lunch or at pt while I wait for the e-stim and not have to worry about reading a pattern or memorizing complicated stitches.

At home, I am working on Sunday Swing socks.

2010-07-04T23:22:00.003-05:00

L proposed last night. Of course, I said yes. We know the ceremony will be at the beach and late April to early May. We have been talking about it for awhile. I dont want anything big or even medium sized. There will be more vegetarian food than nonvegetarian food.

It has been a very interesting year to say the least. I am happy. Still sorting out some crap. just like everyone does. making more soap. knitting more socks.

Today we went to Lowe's and picked out paint colors for each room of the house. We have our colors, now just to pick the day to paint everything. L cooked steaks and burgers on the grill I bought for him for our anniversary. He did a good job.

I grilled eggplant yesterday, so I could make a rigatoni, fresh mozarella, tomato, and basil pasta dish today.

I made a few different kinds of soap - one w golden yellow pigment, vanilla scent, and bentonite clay in scallop shell molds and ones w little seashells fitted into circular molds.

This is what L gave me for our annisversary. It's like a swirly celtic-y knot flower like cluster of diamonds. I picked out when we went to the jewelry store to see what size ring would fit. He said he wanted to buy me a diamond necklace, so I just looked for one I liked. :)

2010-05-23T21:08:00.004-05:00

i had my second RFA on Thursday. The sedation kicked my butt. It was just a mild sedation to help take the edge off, but the anesthesiologist gave it to me the before procedure instead of after the electrical nerve testing. I think he felt bad. Idk though. It hurt but not as bad as the first RFA. It took a lot of the leg pain away. My foot is still painful. I am wondering if there is something else wrong with my foot or my ankle. idk like something blocking the leg from the foot/toes. no idea. i'm trying to do things now before the pain gets worse again. ha ha! note the *trying* part. my leg muscle is so atrophied and full of boney holes, i cant get much done. we'll see. chiro thinks that it's just crushed. idk.

sometimes i wish it would just stop. that it would get better. that i could wake up and be back to normal. eh, what can you do but be in each moment?

i am almost finished unpacking. i still have a few more boxes to bring upstairs. I will have L bring them up later this week. We have kitchen things and dishes to sort out. Idk what is staying and what is going.

Kira is feeling better. Her stitches are out. She is walking around better now. She still is quite cautious about jumping and the stairs. We think that she will be ok. maybe have some arthritis later in life though. I'm glad she was in good spirits the whole time. Someone was with her most of the day, minus working hours. Solly kept her company too.

I finished the knitting part of a purse that has been unfinished for, ashamedly, a few years. The blues look nicer than in the photo. J is going to help me put the lining in. My sewing machine is not down here. I got a bright blue fabric with small flower like shapes for the lining.

2010-04-15T20:19:00.002-05:00

This is the start of another pair of socks w the magic loop. wow. socks. go figure, right? :)

2010-04-11T14:23:00.002-05:00

I am seriously contemplating amputation. I would like to keep my knee if I can. The CRPS is in the entire lower leg and foot. I can't walk right or for long. The pain is beyond awful. The lymphodema and the osteoporosis are just going to get worse. Eventually my leg will crumble or shatter. I want to live a somewhat normal/decent/active life. L wants to get married and have children. I can't pick up or care for a baby or child w this leg. It would not be fair to him. I can't hike, do yoga, go rock climbing, walk the mall.... I have to put multiple patches and ketamine just to be able to go to one place then rest for the rest of the day. I can't stand this much longer. It's ridiculous. I want my life back. I have an appt mid-May w an ortho pm&r to discuss options.

1630

2010-04-08T23:18:00.008-05:00

sometimes i think about what could have been. i let my monkey mind take over for awhile. then i try to convince my self that it is all just garbage. maybe it is just the shock of the loss. i don't want you. yet, my heart cannot close.

2010-04-07T17:40:00.004-05:00

The River Rapids Socks are finally finished! This is the week of finishing socks.

2010-04-06T21:21:00.006-05:00

More socks for L. I finally finished the toe up socks! They fit great! I had a lot of help from one of my friends. Thank you! I will probably make another pair just like these except I will change the heel stitch. I just did a stockinette heel because I didn't understand exactly how the heel flap was being formed. The instep and the leg fits L well. He has a regular instep but tiny little ankles, so I have been adjusting the number of sts and the length of the heel flap. He seems to like them.

2010-04-01T22:33:00.001-05:00

This pain is not to make you sad, remember. That's where people go on missing.... This pain is just to make you more alert--because people become alert only when the arrow goes deep into their heart and wounds them. Otherwise they don't become alert. When life is easy, comfortable, convenient, who cares? Who bothers to become alert? When a friend dies, there is a possibility. When your woman leaves you alone--those dark nights, you are lonely. You have loved that woman so much and you have staked all, and then suddenly one day she is gone. Crying in your loneliness, those are the occasions when, if you use them, you can become aware. The arrow is hurting: it can be used. The pain is not to make you miserable, the pain is to make you more aware! And when you are aware, misery disappears.

Osho Take it Easy, Volume 2 Chapter 12

How do I remove the arrow from my heart?

2010-03-29T21:19:00.004-05:00

Sometimes I wonder whether people's passive aggressiveness can be forgiven. I understand that things can be overwhelming and emotionally debilitating. It happens to everyone. I know eventually I will forgive them; I probably already have. I have recognized the behavior and limited my exposure to it. Rather, I just eliminated any contact. Yes, I did tell this person before I stopped speaking w them. There was a specific instance of it a few months ago that I almost walked right into again today. I had completely forgotten about what happened and then bam, there it was, right in my face. I was not happy. grrr...

I'm working on more socks. A friend is helping finish the toe up socks for L. I'm still not used to working toe up for socks. The heel extension just didn't make sense to me. I finished one complete sock and am now working on the gusset for the second sock. Socks! Go socks! I know I am unusually enthusiastic about making socks. I can't explain what it is about the process that I just enjoy so much. Once a pair is done, I start the next pair. I generally don't repeat a pattern except for the plain socks. Sometimes it is a nice break btw a complex lace pattern or cables.

I am starting to really miss being able to walk on my own. The acupuncture is helping my knee a lot w the bursitis. The estim on my knee is also helping, which is surprising to me bc I never gave it much validity before. The foot is still crap. I don't like puddles anymore. idk.

The craft room is starting to come together. Half of my crafty-ness is there waiting to be put into its place. I am waiting for the bookcase and the herb/aromatherapy cabinets to be moved over. So here is what my craft room will have - two bookcases, tv stand, tv, the wii, dvd player, yarn, knitting needles/crochet hooks, beads, soap stuff, essential oils, books, white craft table with pink rolling IKEA! chair, Tulsta IKEA! chair, and sushi ottoman. I might put one of the small loveseats in there but not sure yet. I have all of this now. Some pieces are from my living room or bedroom. The only thing I bought was another bookcase. Nothing fancy or anything just a nice space to work.

2010-03-16T22:59:00.002-05:00

On a happier note, L and I went to the peninsula on Saturday to the new shopping center. My dr said to use my leg or I will lose it again last ov. So, we walked until I was worn out. It was nice to get outside in the daylight. We also went looking for something that sparkles. You know, like something that fits on one of my fingers. ;)

2010-03-16T22:45:00.002-05:00

I had another modified bier block today. The dr said they don't know what else to do but medication and that I am already doing everything I can to keep the lymphodema and the CRPS under control. I don't want something that would affect my cognitive function. I want to participate and be alert to live some kind of decent life with less pain. I guess I will just continue w what I have been doing: chiro, acu, lymphatic drainage massage, aromatherapy, modified bier blocks, and ablations.

2010-03-02T23:56:00.004-05:00

I tried the requip and had sucky side effects - hallucinations, nightmares, and one episode of narcolepsy. Thank goodness I was in my apt when I fell asleep. I tried this medicine for about a week just to see if anything would change. The good news is that pain and the leg jumping around was somewhat reduced. The bad news is that side effects are not something that I care to experience everyday. Nothing super awful just things like weird smoke trails by the ceiling, ppl calling my name when no one was there, and the room split apart. I am relieved that this only happened in my apt and only once. Once was enough. I just sat there. This med works on your movements and slows you down. So every movement takes more effort, which would make sense to take if it did not have the side effects. I only tried this bc my dr's don't know what else to. I am tired of the pain. This just reminded me why I don't want pills. I want a real lasting solution not just maintenance. I am wearing out.

I finished another sock for L. I am working on the matching sock now. I am on the leg. The pattern is like a vertical squiggle or ripple. They are made of navy cashmere and wool dk weight yarn.

The cats are good. Solly seems to have a morning routine of chasing her tail in the tub while we get ready for work. They think the dust buster will defend them from anything frightening even though they themselves are scared of the dust buster. They both are adorable and so lovable.

I have a package coming in the mail from Amazon. I ordered Burgertime bc Gamestop did not have it and would not order it for me bc it is only 20 bucks. So...I also got some other things....well, it was free shipping. I got some soap supplies and an herbal medicine book like for cuts or burns or home first aid.

2010-02-18T22:13:00.003-05:00

I had the bier block yesterday. They put me on requip to help stop my leg from jumping around like a maniac or a very boisterous ninja. It is not RLS. It is just recurrent nerve signals from something like sneaky concrete. I am physically tired from adjusting and thinking how to do things. I hold my abdominal muscles tight all day. annddd my butt muscles too. looking pretty good... :) yeah...

pink birds

2010-02-16T23:22:00.002-05:00

I am getting used to doing things while standing on one leg. I can balance for quite some time on just my right leg. Tomorrow is another modified bier block injection. At what point will scar tissue prevent the lidocaine from remaining under the skin? I understand the needles go into different spots each time but, there are anywhere btw 20 and 40 needles per round at a rate of 1 round every other week. Eventually that space will fill in. Arthritis is starting to set in. The bone is still inflamed. The lymphatic massage is helping to reduce the swelling but still hurts. My leg still jumps around by itself sometimes for several minutes at a time. I'm trying to do more, but the pain slows me down. Even the salt and sand on the sidewalk was agony. I am somewhat annoyed.

I made a tray of chocolate chip cookies. Albeit, they were the pre-made dough cut into squares kind. They were on sale. Why not, right?

s p e l l i n g i t o u t

2010-02-14T11:15:00.005-05:00

This was the horoscope for breakups from msn. Yeah, I was there because it was next to the regular horoscopes and am tired of having to relive it every time someone asks me about it. I thought this was nice advice. hint hint. Notice the part where it says to not acknowledge it happened. So next time, you ask how what's his face is, think about this. Why would you want to continuously remind me of the past when I have my future right here sitting behind me with our two cats?

Scorpio
OK, Scorpio, no one is here but us, so we'll be frank: stop beating yourself up and regretting everything you did. You did the best you could. If you need to mentally beat up the other person, go ahead, but forgive yourself just this once. Friends of Scorpio: do not mention the breakup at all. Act as if nothing happened. In fact, ask your friend to help you with a problem. Scorpio likes that.

Solitaire and Kira

2010-01-26T22:14:00.012-05:00

Here are the cats the day we met them. Solitaire is on the left, and Kira is on the right. This is the visiting room at the SPCA. The two cats were getting to know each other that day too. They were cordial, some hissing and swatting, which is to be expected at first.

Here they are now. They chase each other around the house, wrestle, and even sleep curled up next to each other on the computer chair.

2010-01-24T15:14:00.003-05:00

Burger Time is coming out for the Wii! This was one of my favorite games when I was younger. 2/16/10 hooray!

2010-01-21T23:17:00.002-05:00

I had another modified bier block injection around my ankle. I don't understand how the parasympathetic injections can affect my foot and ankle but the ablation couldn't. I go back next Tuesday for another modified bier block injection. Injections every two weeks. Ablation every six months. lymphatic massage, acupuncture, and chiro twice a week.

L and a got two kittens from the spca the first weekend in January. They are adorable. One is 6 months and the other is 9 months, so they are almost grown cats. I really ought to take more pictures of them.

I would like to have a vacation. A real one. no itineraries.

2010-01-06T23:40:00.003-05:00

Another pair of socks are finished. I started Rapid River socks for L using a navy wool and cashmere blend.

top of the triangle

2010-01-06T23:09:00.003-05:00

to recognize the error or the error in one's behavior and to persist in not acting is one of my greatest frustrations. why would you accept avoiding taking responsibility as spiritual philosophizing? why would you put on a false face in front of God? how does your philosophizing justify your actions? what bullshit are you touting? why quote Nin? are you trying to reinforce your own smugness? your request for forgiveness from whomever you are asking forgiveness from lacks genuine sincerity. under your framework, it would follow that one would have to insist that your entrance be denied.

2009-12-22T00:14:00.002-05:00

i made more soup. i added a dash of cumin and a bit more thyme and poultry seasoning blend. the meds from the pain drs have awful side effects. i got a weird ass yellow rash across my chest that looked like i was growing pollen. i removed the polleny stuff and underneath were blisters. awesome. :( my vision is all blurry. my limbs feel like wet noodles. my speech is all messed up. everything is backwards and some syllables are twisted around. i feel like zummy on the gummie bears. so, yeah, there are cognitive effects of this medication. i called my dr and they said to stop taking it. my foot was not any better on the medication. my leg was not any better on the medication. i still feel pain in my foot, ankle, leg, and knee. it is almost the same as it was before the ablation. the freaking-out-ness is just less. what do i do now?

2009-12-13T23:51:00.002-05:00

the crafty projects - soap, knitting, crochet - are what keep me from going insane at this time.

2009-12-13T21:20:00.007-05:00

I spent the weekend w L. We didn't do too much. On Saturday, we went to Wakefield to get some peanuts at Plantation's. I sat on the couch and knitted for the rest of the afternoon. We got pizza for dinner. He said me he would like me to move in w him when my lease is up in April. He asked me before if I would consider it. It would triple my commute time. I am already exhausted just from working. Idk how much more tired I will be from leaving the house an hour earlier than I already do. He said he can see how tired it makes me. It is a lot to think about. Is he going to run when he sees how bad my leg is? Idk.

My leg bones are still inflamed, still have osteoporosis, are still in pain, and are still swollen. possible tx course for L2 parasympathetic blocks --> 1 every 3 wks for approx 53 years = 918.666677, so we'll say 919 parasympathetic blocks w 6 needle each procedure = 5514 needles. 5514 times w an 8.5 inch hollow needle into the center of my body and an xray machine hanging over my back. Each procedure is approx 1.5 hours from start to finish. so, that would be 8271 hours of pain, stress, anxiety, radiation exposure, risk of infection, risk of paralysis, and risk of death. yes, death and paralysis bc the needles are right there on your spinal nerves and next to your vertebrae and your thecal sac. possible tx course for L2 ganglion ablation --> 1 every 6 months for approx 53 years = 106, 106 L2 ganglion ablations w approx 9 needles each procedure, one IV, electric testing of the nerves, 3 spots w the laser, an xray machine hanging over my back, and small doses of mild anesthesia into the IV once the nerve testing is complete to help ease the pain of the burning. This is an all day procedure. so, 106 days of pain, stress, anxiety, radiation exposure, risk of infection, risk of adverse reaction to anesthesia, risk of paralysis, risk of burning the wrong nerve or burning a motor nerve, and risk of death. 53 years of not being able to walk right. 53 years of pain. 53 years of not being able to be a teacher or go back to nursing school. 53 years of having to reduce my activity and modify everything I do. 53 years of being exhausted w even the smallest amount of effort. 53 years of trying to keep the lymphodema under control. 53 years of parking in a handicapped spot. 53 years of having to modify my house and surroundings. 53 years of dragging around a leg that doesn't work, is full of lymph fluid, is inflamed, is full of bone holes, is in constant pain, and freaks out if anything even thinks about getting near it or touches it. what kind of life is that? who would stick around for that?

soup!

2009-12-10T21:09:00.005-05:00

Last night I made vegan chicken noodle soup. This is my favorite soup from Whole Foods. Since we don't have them here, I am trying to recreate it. This is the first attempt. I am using Better Than Bouillon in the fake chicken flavor (a vegan soup base), water, carrots, celery, parsley, ditalini pasta, tofu, parsley, sage, oregano, thyme, salt, and pepper. I like it. yum!

2009-12-08T22:43:00.002-05:00

I got stabbed in the knee today. I forget what this one is called, but I know it is different from the last injection but same as the first. This is the one that they go under the patella and into the joint space. They have to hold my knee bent. The other one they just stab under the center of the patella w my leg straight. The second injection lasted a week. Hopefully, the third injection will last as long as the first - 3 months. The dr said the bursitis is from the way I walk which is from the CRPS. The dr is proud that I have some relief from the ablation. They say any relief is success. They gave me a rx for some kind of nerve pain meds that supposedly has no cognitive effect. We'll see. I'm not thrilled about pills. They said the rx is for my foot which the ablation had no effect on.

I put the ketamine lotion on my leg this morning and just cried. How much more can I withstand?

poo

2009-12-06T21:12:00.007-05:00

I think the ablation helped some. I'm still bruised from the procedure. It took some of the freaking out-ness that my leg does when even the air thinks about being near my leg. It freaks out still but it takes like 10 seconds longer. yeah. I still can't walk right. I can't stand up for more than a few minutes without shifting my weight to my right leg, even w my cane. I don't want to wear my right leg out. It already has bruises and sore muscles.

My white stool is still my best friend. It is the perfect height that I can bend my left leg and rest my knee on it while I cook, make soap, or fold laundry - anything that requires standing for more than a few minutes. I still don't understand why I can't stand long or walk right.

Last Monday, I got a pain where my leg broke like a drill going through it. I couldn't help but crumble to the ground. Luckily, this happened in the ladies' room stall, so there wasn't anywhere for me to go or bump into or hit or anything. It was probably the best place for me to be for that to happen and not get hurt more. I could not think. All I could do was crumble and let it pass. My reality was just the pain. I have not had this kind of pain before.

Everyday I get more and more tired. It does not matter if I slept nine hours the night before. I feel like I ran a marathon or something. None of my drs know why I am so tired. All I can guess is the dragging a leg full of fluid takes more effort than a regular leg.

I started acupuncture a few weeks ago bc I just don't know what to do anymore. The pain is just so awful. The acupuncturist is also a chiropractor. dun dun daaaahhh... My main reason for going to his office was for acupuncture and lymphatic massage. So, yeah, I am also doing chiropractic manipulation and traction. My back feels much better now than before. The way I walked just made my back hurt.

yes! I finally found someone who does lower limb lymphatic massage. Holy crap - it is 12 minutes of utter agony. My fingers are so sore from wringing them during the massage. The first few times I just laid there and cried. The swelling went down somewhat and is staying down so the acupuncture and lymphatic massage must be doing something. the acupuncture hurts in my leg and part of my knee but not on the top of my knee or in my hands. It is uncomfortable. One of the masseurs studied aromatherapy and is checking w her friend that made a lymphatic drainage blend that helped her knee. She will let me know what's in it on Monday. I come out of that office looking like I was tortured for 90 minutes, but my back feels better and the swelling is less.

L and went to the craft fair yesterday to see how my friend M was doing. She made cards. I met a lady there w a right prosthetic leg. She readjusted my cane (I've had my cane adjusted twice already). She talked to me about her leg and her experiences. IDK. It know amputation will be devastating to me. I know I can adapt my surroundings but adapting emotionally may be beyond my capabilities.

The thumb print from where L pressed my foot is still there even after two months.

I found my dryer. After forever of using it as my closet, I was able to fold half of the clothes that were piled up on it.

On a happier note, here is some chai soap I made this afternoon. I gave away the vanilla soap i made at L's house. I wanted some for me that was warm and a bit scrubby. Yea, no, I don't use this kind of soap on my left leg. Don't worry, I'm clean. :) I made just four bars. The soap is just a white base w ground cinnamon, ground cardamom, ground cloves, a dash of nutmeg, and vanilla fragrance oil. The mold is from a Life of the Party Soap Company botanical soap kit that I got a few weeks ago bc I just really liked the mold. They are two different celtic knot designs.

some projects

2009-11-29T18:58:00.003-05:00

Guess what these are. Yep, more socks. This time I am revisiting the two socks at once magic loop technique. So far so good.

I also made a few bars of vanilla soap in a Celtic knot mold yesterday. Two for L and two for me.

trinity stitch hat

2009-11-29T17:57:00.003-05:00

We went to New York and Company on Saturday to see if there were any sweaters left. They had an adorable slouchy hat. I looked at L and said, oh I can make that and for so much less. He was like ok and smiled. He was appropriately excited to see if I could. I said it was trinity stitch. Just 1 x 1 ribbing w decreases in pattern. My only concern was keeping the decreases in pattern. I don't have to worry because someone else already figured it out - Trinity Stitch Hat - and posted it on Craftster. I have a skein of worsted weight black yarn that I got for 2.99. I guess this will be one of my next projects.

update: here is the hat finished.

even more socks!

2009-11-27T00:13:00.003-05:00

For: me

Pattern: Cascade Fixation Ankle Socks

Yarn: 1.1 skeins in blue/yellow/orange/red stripey-ness

Needle Size: US #3 (3.25mm)

Size: co 56 sts

Notes: I co 56 sts to see if this would be better for my foot after a couple of washes. I noticed that the previous cascade fixation socks shrink a lit after a dozen or so washes.

0800

2009-11-26T22:37:00.005-05:00

I had radio frequency ablation at L2 yesterday. I was awake but somewhat less sensitive to the pain and the burning. Let me just say, thank goodness for the surgeon and the anesthesiologist. I don't think I could have withstood the procedure otherwise. We won't know if the ablation worked until the muscles in my back heal and the bruises go away. My back looks all purple right now. The ablation is to replace the parasympathetic nerve block injections at L2 which I get every three weeks. If the ablation works, it may last anywhere from six months to a year. The goal is to get the RSD/CRPS under control.

Ppl have been asking me what I want in general, for my birthday, and for Christmas. I would usually say something practical like a pair of socks. I thought about it for quite some time. What I want is you out of my head and out of my dreams. I am on the threshold of moving on. There was never any question about always being in my heart. I love and respect you and want to let you go/be/do what you need/want whatever that may be. I am ok that it is not w me. So, please, get out.

some links

2009-11-22T15:01:00.004-05:00

Lavender Lane

Majestic Mountain Sage

SKS Bottle

Craft Gossip

I am starting to really think about starting a very very very small natural cosmetics business. I've done well w just about all of my products and endeavors. I guess I don't start bc I'm not a business major. I just like making things. It would be nice to make a few extra dollars from it even if it were just to buy more supplies and try new recipes.
IDK. Maybe I should make up my product list, create a menu, and see what ppl think of it.

quotes of the moment

2009-11-19T21:55:00.002-05:00

For every ailment under the sun, There is a remedy, or there is none,
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it.

-Mother Goose

"It takes courage to push yourself to places that you have never been before... to test your limits... to break through barriers. And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."

-Anais Nin

the dark and twisties

2009-11-15T22:09:00.006-05:00

I spent the weekend with L. It was fun. We got a few things for his house and some games for the Wii. He made me a blueberry pie and dinner. It was so sweet. He did a good job. :)

I just wonder about my friends and L w my leg. I know I'm slow, get worn out easily, etc. I still participate as much as I can. I'm still fun and still laugh and do stuff. I don't get invited everywhere. I know bc it is posted all over facebook. My surgery is scheduled for ~~Thursday~~ next Wednesday. I am really worried that my friends are just there during the fair weather. Do I bother to tell them? Do I bother to be friends w these ppl anymore? Do I bother to be friends w anyone? I have no idea.

oh. I participated in the office craft fair. I made soap, lavender sugar scrub, lavender bath salts, and aloe peppermint gel. I sold just about everything - I had like four bath salts left. I was so excited. I could not believe it!

I'm working on another pair of Cascade Fixation socks. I cast on 56 sts to see how they would wear and come out in the wash. The 48 sts are good, but I notice that after ten washings they start to not want to block back to their original size.

wii games that look neat

2009-11-08T22:15:00.003-05:00

~~Cook or be cooked~~

Super Mario Brothers

Ultimate Board Games

Yoga

Mini Ninjas

Socks are done!

2009-11-08T17:14:00.003-05:00

L's socks are done! Finally! So, my weekend doing nothing did not happen - too many visitors and ppl calling my phone. There is always next week. Tomorrow I am going to the acupuncturist to see if there is anything he can do. I'm also talking to the other pain dr about when to move fwd w the ablation.

surprise! more socks!

2009-11-01T15:48:00.014-05:00

One sock for L is finished. One more to go. Hooray! L closed on his house on Thursday, so we have doing things there this weekend. Ok, he has been doing everything. I just sat on my butt in the huge huge tub with lots of bubbles.

My appointment at the hospital is early tomorrow morning. I'm nervous they will keep me there. I'm always nervous the hospital is going to make me stay though. I'm bringing L's second sock to work on. I figure I will be there for awhile.

I worry that this is just the first of many stress fractures. I worry that my bone will just crumble into nothing. The drs don't want to operate bc of the CRPS. Can I have a rod instead of a tibia or just remove my leg?

In more happy news, C and I are having our own little knit-a-long. We are making Braided from Spud and Chloe. I am using Lion Brand Thick and Quick in Fisherman (2 skeins). She is using Spud and Chloe's yarn (3 skeins). This scarf is super fast!

I used some of my points for Aveda to replace the aromatherapy bracelet I used to wear that got torn off my wrist by accident quite some time ago. This is my birthday present to myself. The bracelet is sterling silver, has a jasper bead at one end, and a silver ball with a terracotta ball in the middle. The essential oil goes on the terracotta. I loved it! I went to Seattle one summer and did not get bit by one single bug while wearing this bracelet. My cousins were almost eaten up.

broken again

2009-10-29T14:52:00.002-05:00

My knee has been hurting a lot lately. So, I figured that the cortisone injection just wore off. I went to the dr today to get another injection, but he said I have a stress fracture at the top of my tibia - which is what I had asked him about before and got a knee injection. The fracture is from the osteoporosis he said. I have an MRI on Monday to get a better picture of the extent of the fracture. I will most likely be on crutches and in a cast again. Happy birthday - you get a day pass in the hospital and some plaster and metal. I spoke with the lawyer today. I gave him a number. a ridiculous number. My life is ruined bc of this. I am so tired of being in pain and trying so hard to be cheerful, etc.

2009-10-27T22:10:00.002-05:00

I just watched the saddest movie ever. I'm sure it is not up there in plot and predictability. Sometimes, I just wish for a moment that it could be brave enough to try and that the future could change. But, I am stupid for thinking that could ever be.

very large hint.....:)

2009-10-26T21:16:00.001-05:00

so....my birthday is next week. I know some ppl have been asking me if I would like anything in particular. I could really use a back scrubby thing like the ones w the wooden handle, ****some vegan chicken noodle soup from Whole Foods****, an external hard drive (DAD), Japanese cherry blossom body spray from B&BW, a gift certificate to Victoria Secret, and a gift certificate to Rite Aid.

DO NOT GET ME YARN! DO NOT GET ME ANY GIFT CERTIFICATES TO ANY CRAFT STORES! DON''T DO IT! I KNOW YOU WILL BE TEMPTED, BUT YOU MUST RESIST!

and you know if you are feeling generous, i will take some jewelry, some garnets or diamonds. :o) ahem, L. lol!

just one

2009-10-25T19:49:00.005-05:00

I finished the charade socks for AVH. I ended up using one skein plus a little more to make the toe. I will package them up and bring them to her tomorrow. I really like this yarn. I went back to Joann's on Friday to get a button for SP's neckwarmer, and I got a few more skeins. It was on sale 2 for $5. I don't have any socks with this yarn, so after I finished making all the socks for L, I will make a pair for me.

The neckwarmer came out really nice. The pattern is called Dear by Holly Peacock. It is unbelievably soft. It took about four hours to knit. I made it in one sitting. I have enough yarn left over to make a small pouch for my knitting scissors, darning needles, etc. SP really liked it too. She is leaving for Nebraska at the end of the week with the AF.

I got my fill of diners this weekend. I missed a good diner.

Since my birthday is coming up, I went to Aveda for my birthday present and massage. I so needed a massage.

FREE YARN FOR ME!

2009-10-17T18:44:00.004-05:00

I went to the yarn store to see what kind of sock yarn they had even though I knew they didn't have what I was looking for. I got some other sock yarn and yarn for Cristin's chullo hat. I got up to the counter and they said pick a Halloween treat bag. I pick one and got a skein of CASHMERE yarn - all cashmere, usually sold for 32.00 - for free!! Free cashmere yarn! woot!

oh and L brought me a cookie cake because, well, I am awesome. lol. Thanks! Please pardon the missing e.

yarn is coming in the mail!

2009-10-16T21:03:00.006-05:00

So, I bought yarn. on. the. internet. This was my first time ordering online. I finally gave up looking for the sock yarn that I bought while in New Hampshire. I bought two but used one and a half. I really like this yarn! It's soft, warm, comfy, and still a little stretchy.

I didn't think it would be worth it to ship one ball of yarn, so I looked everywhere, every state I would be in for the next few weeks with no luck. I won't be in New Hampshire until December, and I just couldn't wait that long. So, I justified getting some more stuff that I couldn't find in stores. I like the Rollie Stitch Keepers. I have two in size 3-5 in the 6" length. I like the really short sock DPNS, but they don't fit in the Stitch Keepers that I have. I have been also kicking myself for not buying the Creative Knitting July issue.

Don't worry. I didn't go over board.

Item	Quantity	Price	Total
StitchKeepers By Rollie Length: 4-inch Size: Small (0-3 U.S.)	1	$6.35	$6.35
Creative Knitting Issue: July 2009	1	$5.85	$5.85
StitchKeepers By Rollie Length: 6-inch Size: Small (0-3 U.S.)	1	$6.35	$6.35
"Soxx Appeal Print" Yarn Color: 9851 Chocolate Cherry	1	$8.35	$8.35
	4	$26.80	$26.80

Not bad. P.S. I am wearing the socks I made while in New Hampshire right now.

Charade Sock Progress

2009-10-14T17:40:00.002-05:00

Charade Socks

2009-10-03T21:31:00.002-05:00

For: AVH

Pattern: Charade Socks

Yarn: 2 skeins in pink/blue/green/purple stripey-ness

Needle Size: US 2

Size: 64 sts

number 5

2009-10-03T21:18:00.003-05:00

My fifth parasympathetic nerve block injection was yesterday. The rsd/crps flared up significantly over the last few weeks, so my regular pain dr would like to have the injections every few weeks or so. I guess it shows how long the injection lasts for. Three weeks is better than a few days. I just don't know how much longer I can lay on the table feeling the metal needle slide across my L1 vertebral body.

The injection dr said that my options are the spinal cord stimulator, continued parasympathetic blocks, or ablation. He said that ablation by the start of the parasympathetic nerve for the leg may be an option. He said that it would be 50/50 for any benefits though. The spinal cord stimulator is out bc it would interfere with my magnetic shunt.

My regular pain dr said that amputation, spinal cord stimulator, continued parasympathetic blockes, regular PT, and lymphodema PT are options. They said amputation is an option. They have done it a few time for patients, but they said that it usually makes the pain worse. My leg is not gangrenous, so I am hesitant to even think about this as an outcome although, admittedly, I have researched specific models and companies that make prosthetic legs. This possible outcome frightens me the most. I don't want to lose a limb. I don't want to depend on something like that. But, then I could actually walk more properly. So, it is disturbing.

The closest lymphodema specialist for lower extremities is fifty miles away with limited hours. I have no idea how I would accomplish treatment 3 or 4 times a week during working hours. I cannot stop working. I don't know what I would do. Through all of this I have struggled to keep up my hours at work and to continue to my regular routine. I have had to limit a lot of my activities and modify how I do things. Work is something that I am trying so hard not to stop. Idk what to do.

I am just not happy with the quality of my leg at this point. Idk if my leg will ever get better. The dr said this is pretty much all that it is going to be. Now is just maintenance. So what now? Do I accept that this is it?

toe up socks

2009-09-18T14:24:00.004-05:00

So.... I started the first pair of socks for L on Sunday. The first pair is the yarn he picked out from the yarn store that closed recently. This is just a plain basic no stitch pattern toe up sock.

Basic Toe Up Sock

For: L

Pattern: Andrea's Toe Up Sock Tutorial

Yarn: 1 skein Sockotta in fair isle stripey-ness

Needle Size: US 1.5

Size: 72 sts

Notes: This is a basic naked toe up sock for a man's foot that wears a size 11 shoe.

rsd/crps and aromatherapy 2 some notes to start

2009-09-18T13:39:00.004-05:00

My symptoms right now are swelling, color changes, temperature changes, pain - sharp, stabbing, burning, icy coldness, leg jumps around by itself sometimes intermittently for an hour at a time, shiny skin. So, I guess, I would make a blend that helps the lymph move, increase circulation, reduce inflammation, reduce nerve pain, and reduce muscle spasms. I have been reading different websites and books regarding the preferred method of application. The blending is no problem. The fear comes in when the blend has to touch the skin. I am not looking forward to touching my leg. It is beyond awful. I know it is just the RSD/CRPS, but it doesn't make it easier. I am tempted to try a spritzer bottle with aloe vera gel or lotion. The aloe may be too cold for me.

I found knee high stockings at the drug store yesterday that have graduated compression. I will see how it goes. I do think that I need to go back to some kind of compression. I don't want the lymphodema to get worse.

This is just the beginning of my gathering info for making my own blend. I am going to reread my books and organize my notes better.

1. RSD, Night Cramp, Muscle Spasm, Burning Sensation RELIEF.
Contains Essential Oils of Roman Chamomile. Lavender, Marjoram, Clove Bud, Ginger,
Rosemary, Eucalyptus & Ravensara. 4 Ounce. The base cream is an Aloe Based Carrier Cream.

2. cypress, peppermint and geranium

3. Wintergreen (Gaultheria procumbens), helichrysum (Helichrysum italicum), clove (Syzygium aromaticum) and peppermint (Mentha piperita). She also recommended Frankincense.

Wavelengths Natural Health recommends several essential oils for lymphatic congestion:

* Bay Laurel (Laurus nobilis)
* Eucalyptus (Eucalyptus globulus)
* Grapefruit (Citrus paradisi)
* Lavender (Lavandula augustifolia)
* Lemon (Citrus lemon)
* Sandalwood (Santalum album)

Aromatherapy for Pain Relief recommends these oils to "numb the nerve endings":

* Clove bud
* Chamomile
* Helichrysum
* Lavender
* Lemongrass

Self Growth.com recommends these oils for inflammation:

* Wintergreen
* Myrrh

Misty Rae Cech, ND recommends Helichrysum Italicum for inflammation.

http://www.isnare.com/?aid=116482&ca=Wellness%2C+Fitness+and+Diet contains Lavender, Juniper, Ginger and Rosemary.

Esoteric Oils has a circulation blend with

* Geranium
* Black Pepper
* Cypress
* Ginger
* Frankincense
* Juniper berry

notes on the socks for L

2009-09-07T20:43:00.013-05:00

I feel somewhat awake now. I'm trying to figure out this sock pattern that L picked out Saturday. It makes no sense to me bc I suck at reading knitting charts. I cast on Saturday night to see what the st pattern would look like knit flat, and it does not match the number of sts cast on.

The original pattern says to cast on 54 sts. If the pattern is a mult of 7 + 5, it should work, right? 7 * 7 = 49 then add 5, which is 54. I tried this twice and am still off by 4 sts. Why off by 4 and not by 5? I searched online to see if anyone else has made this sock. Only one person on Ravelry documented their attempt. After reading this, I thought maybe this is not a good sock pattern.

If this is a pattern knit in the rnd, wouldn't the + 4 not be needed? Wouldn't the st pattern just be a mult of 7? ugh. I searched for help and more patterns on Ravelry. I found Dragon Breath Socks, which seems to use the same st pattern. It turns out the st pattern is from BW 2nd Treasury w a M1 substituted for the YO.

I know that I will have to make the sock bigger for his foot bc this is written for a woman's size 8 foot. I think his shoe size is an 11. I measured the length of his foot from heel to end of toes, from heel to start of toes, and the circumference at the ball of the foot.

L's foot measurements
heel --> toe	10.5"
heel --> start of toe	8"
toe --> start of heel	7.5"
circumference	9.5"

This is my plan, and please tell me if this will not work: use the Dragon Breath sock pattern, US size 2 needles, inc the # of sts co from 62 to 70. I will still use the twisted rib cuff. Since 70 / 2 is 35 and 35 is still a mult of 7, I will use 35 sts for the instep and dec 1 st for the heel to 34. Once the toe is reached, the # of sts on the instep can be dec'ed by 1 to 34. So, 34 sts on the instep and 34 sts for the sole. Dec by 4 every other rnd for the toe until 18 sts rem. graft toe. weave in ends.

~~Thinking about it now, I could have gotten one more measurement if I ever decide to make toe up socks. Eh. I will probably see him again tomorrow or Wednesday.~~

I u/s that a pair of socks is a larger commitment than say a washcloth. Idk where this relationship is going. We are having fun, going out, spending time together, being goofy, whatever. A bit of fear is creeping in though. What if he does the same thing as the last one? Is it bc of me or just bc of him? No more chickens. No more wishy-washy-ness from guys.

three day weekend

2009-09-07T15:39:00.004-05:00

I finished the crow's feet socks on 9/3/09. Hooray! I will deliver them on Tuesday to JS. They fit her perfectly. I am so relieved to have the pair finished.

I went to Richmond this weekend for a few days w L. I had fun. I am beyond exhausted. It is taking everything I have to stay awake today. I went to PT Saturday morning, picked L up, and drove to Richmond. We went to three yarn stores, the Lewis Ginter Botanical Gardens, Olive Garden, Hops Restaurant and Brewery, Ellwood Thompson's Local Market, and WAWA.

Visit Richmond

Yarn Lounge

Knitting Basket

Lettuce Knit

Lewis Ginter Botanical Gardens

Ellwood Thompson's Local Market

Hops Restaurant and Brewery

I am so exhausted. I did a fairly good job of walking w my cane at the gardens. I had to rest a lot. Today we came home. I could not walk at all this morning. My leg is so sore and swollen. I know I did way too much, but I miss being normal and being able to just go wherever. I am grateful that today we are off from work. I can just collapse.

Stuff I bought: lavender essential oil, lemon eucalyptus essential oil, wintergreen essential oil, US 2 size dpns, US size 1.5 dpns, Debbie Bliss Magazine Summer Issue, Vogue Knitting Spring/Summer 2008 Issue, Waves Sock pattern, sweater pattern, another sock pattern, CEY Winter 09 Issue, Jo Sharp Knit Issue 1, and Pagewood Farms hand dyed sock yarn in forest.

The Waves sock pattern and the sock yarn are for another pair for L.

I talked to LM yesterday. It was nice to speak w someone else that has RSD/CRPS.

2009-09-02T18:47:00.003-05:00

bursitis. hmm...I had not considered that.

Dr put a cortisone injection into the joint space in my knee. They are also sending me to the lymphodema specialist to help get the swelling down. I have been wrapping my leg again. I can have it wrapped for longer periods of time since the parasympathetic blocks. like an hour and a half ish. ha ha. PT has been massaging my foot. It is awful. I had tears coming out of my eyes. I know it will help though.

The crow's feet socks are almost finished. Thank goodness. I have eight more rounds of pattern for the leg and then the toe. That's it. Hooray!

entumezca

2009-08-30T22:36:00.005-05:00

I have an mri of the left knee in a few hours. Who knows what it is going to show. If I were to guess anything, it would be a tear in the MCL. My pain is more toward the medial side, the patella, and just inferior to the patella. Or, worst case scenario a healed fracture to the proximal end of the tibia or a tumah or venous insufficiency.

My fourth parasympathetic block was on Thursday. This was my last one for awhile. The doctors don't understand why the swelling is not going down and why the cut on my foot is not healing. It has been there for 8 weeks now.

The physical therapist wrapped my leg on Saturday. It reduced the swelling significantly. Maybe I should go back to wrapping my leg every day. Idk.

We took a walk at Mt. Trashmore this afternoon. It was so hot. I could only do not even half of one side of the "mountain". He ran up one side of the mountain. I took a picture of his triumph. It was so funny.

I am trying. I am honestly trying. It is so difficult bc there was no reason it should not have happened. I am sure by now you have forgotten me. c'est la vie.

I am going back and forth. It is a lot. Who knows where this will all end up. Maybe in Suffolk. Maybe in Gloucester.

sunday

2009-08-16T10:59:00.007-05:00

The second block was less frightening. The pain is a lot less. The swelling went down some but is still very present. My knee is ridiculous still. I keep trying to walk as much as possible. But, overall less pain.

I went on a date on Friday. It was fine. fun. but no. There was a spark, but it is difficult to explain, I guess.

SSS is setting in on the crow's feet socks. I cast on the second sock this morning - a week after finishing the first sock. I put it down after only six rows of ribbing. ugh. I am not feeling this sock.

The yarn store by my apt closed this weekend. The owners are retiring. L and I went before going to the gardens. He picked out some sock yarn. He didn't rush me or flinch at how much I spent. It was only thirty dollars anyway. He said that his mom would take him to the craft store all the time when he was younger, so he is immune and if it makes me happy, he will go and he said that it makes him happy to see me happy. Hmmm... :) :)

I bought all sock yarns. They were the only store to carry Cascade Fixation. I bought five balls - two balls of different pinks, a lavender, a light blue, and a multicolor (light blue, yellow, orange, and red).

The gardens were beautiful. It was extremely hot. I loved the butterfly garden. I think we saw half of the gardens. It was just too much for one day.

2009-08-11T20:32:00.002-05:00

The lumbar parasympathetic block was eh. Although it was difficult to relax and let someone stab you with a very long needle into the center of your body, it was not extraordinarily trying - at least in relation to a spinal tap. I didn't cry or anything. I understand that the needle is going deeper to the peripheral nerve and not in the thecal sac, but it is still hard to keep from thinking about past spinal taps and from jumping off the table. The worst part was when the hollow needle was removed. I almost fainted on the table. It was like the first time I got a PT block but like five times worse. My leg is quieter. It feels like I have a muscle cramp in my entire leg though. The left side of my bum and lower back still hurt the same amount. I think it helped. I have another parasympathetic block on Thursday.

one sock down, one sock to go

2009-08-11T20:25:00.001-05:00

sock #1 is finished!

crow's feet socks in progress

2009-08-09T15:35:00.002-05:00

I have mixed feelings about this pattern. I am not sure this is the best stitch pattern for the width of the stripes. If I were to do these socks again, I would use a solid or variegated yarn.

2009-08-04T21:34:00.004-05:00

So, I have another date with the same guy Thursday.

I am almost finished the gusset decreases on the first crow's feet sock. I have been so busy with everything I have not had much time to knit. :(

Monday is the first round of lumbar parasympathetic blocks. I'm not excited. L is going to take me.

Alpaca Socks!

2009-08-01T16:56:00.000-05:00

Misti Alpaca socks for B's birthday!

2009-07-26T22:57:00.002-05:00

I have another date Tuesday. This is with someone different. On the way home, I thought of you. You aren't here. You are never going to be here. I deserve happiness. I get that. I get everything. Still, I feel a tug on my heart. Idk. I cried on the way home. I haven't cried in a very long time.

2009-07-25T14:26:00.002-05:00

So, I am saying no to the owner of this dog.

The first toe up sock is finished. I am not too crazy about the gusset increases being on the bottom. I started the second toe up socks. The last class is Monday. I am going to give this pair to B. I think they will fit her. Her foot is about two inches longer than mine.

I had PT this morning. My leg feels better with this program. I am back to half with the cane and half the day without the cane. I still have a limp. I have been using the ketamine lotion in the morning and at night. It helps. I can't describe in words what it feels like after I put the lotion on. It is just bizarre. The bier blocks are finally starting to work better. The areas where the catapres patches were are still bright red and irritated. They itch like crazy. If I itch my foot, it is agony. The neroli oil helps stop the itching. It calms the nervous system and is antispasmodic. I mix a few drops into Aveeno lotion.

Wednesday was the first day that I thought maybe just maybe I could go back to nursing school. I don't know if I could be on my feet for 12 hours a day but I could do something that isn't all standing. I really wanted to either be in hospice or the OR.

2009-07-19T17:49:00.003-05:00

Ok. So, I had a date and a mini-date aka coffee this weekend. I wore a cute summery dress to coffee. It was fine.

I found the cutest dog online in my town that needs a good home. He is small, well-mannered, doesn't really shed, medium energy, etc. He is a Jack Chi. How adorable! I have wanted a little dog but bc of the leg, etc. I didn't get one. Now that the bier injections are starting to help more, I can start getting off the cane and walk more without assistance. Walking a dog would also help me to walk more often and get more strength in my muscles. I put in a request for adoption today.

more socks!

2009-07-17T20:25:00.002-05:00

I am taking a three week basic toe up sock class over at my LYS. Btw, this is my favorite LYS. This week was the first week. I have attempted toe up socks but would get confused and rip it out. My cast on would also be too loose. This class uses the magic loop which I adore. We learned the Turkish cast on, and to my surprise my cast on was very nice. I was proud. We worked on the toe and the foot. Next week is the gusset increases and heel. Then lastly is the leg, cuff, and bind off. I am curious to try the sewn bind off. I have to finish the foot for this week.

I have a date.

The blanket is getting too large for the circular needle it is on. I have to find a longer circular needle or get another US size 9 circular needle and just work with both. That way I could spread out the blanket more and check the size more easily.

The lightning here has been incredible. I wish I was quick enough to snap a photo of it.

2009-07-12T22:57:00.002-05:00

We went to the beach today. Don't worry I sat under the tent and didn't walk very far on the sand. It was nice to sit by the ocean and get some sun.

I kicked everyone's butt in phase 10 on Saturday. It was so fun! I thought I was so clever and put down my phase. She looked at me like I was nuts. I had the wrong phase! I said wait, wait, just wait. I rearranged my cards to make the right phase and went out. It was great.

I worked more on Cristin's blanket and the socks. I am half way through the first sock. I am using a pattern called Crow's feet.

needles and socks

2009-07-05T20:26:00.005-05:00

I had round two of the bier block injections on Thursday. It still sucked. Leg feels somewhat better. I am just so nervous that the pain will never go away, and that I will be miserable. And, that is so not me, not how I really am.

I finished the socks Wednesday night, just in time to wear them to the injection appointment. I really like this yarn. It is similar to Fixation but in a lighter weight. I used size 2 needles instead of size 3.

pattern: Basic Socks by Stephanie Pearl McPhee

needles: US Size 2

yarn: Soxx Appeal

made for: me

notes: I was able to get one whole sock and one half of another sock from one ball. The remaining half of a sock used maybe a tenth of the second ball of yarn.

I ripped out the welt socks and started the crow's fee socks instead. I am on the gusset decreases of the first sock now.

The pink blanket is started. I am using size 9 needles. It is about two feet long by two feet wide so far.

2009-06-28T17:31:00.002-05:00

I had the bier block injections on Thursday. It sucked. I cannot tell you how many needles went into my ankle. I have four more rounds over the next four weeks. Don't ask why I had the procedure scheduled the same day as my flight. It was awful. I was wheeled all over the airport, feeling woozy and nauseous. My ankle was covered in blood and bandages. This is the next step for the more invasive treatment. She put the scissors right next to my leg, and I freaked. It felt like she was cutting into my skin and the scissors were just right next to my skin. yeah. awesome. :(

So, in happier news, I went to the yarn store in Portsmouth. I got two balls of Socks Appeal, IK Spring 2008, and DPNs. I started basic 64 st socks Friday night. I am already on the foot. The yarn is made of variegated yarn in purple, blue, light blue, magenta, and brown.

The wedding was amazing! So happy!

2009-06-22T19:12:00.003-05:00

This is totally passive aggressive, but I've tried the direct way without success. If I say I want something, I want it. I'm upset bc ppl ask did you do this, did you do that, don't forget about this, etc. without asking me what I want or what I have done. A generic hey, how can I help you or what do you want would be great. To actually carry it out would be fantastic. If I need help cleaning my car, it means I need help cleaning my car. I can't get on the ground to get whatever is flat on the floor or crumbs or small coins. A what is important to you would be nice. If there is a pile of something in my car, it is in a pile for a reason. Keep the piles in the same area or put it in a separate bag. Don't fling things in the back seat. I will never find them. Please don't ask me what you think I want. Just ask me what I want and need help with.

queue

2009-06-21T19:50:00.000-05:00

Uplifting Soap

2009-06-21T13:40:00.004-05:00

base: olive oil

herbs, etc.: rolled oats, chamomile, parsley (all ground)

essential oils: petitgrain, pine, lavender

colorants: sea foam green pigment powder, few drops of turquoise and lime green

....and I made some more pearberry soap.

saturday

2009-06-20T16:29:00.003-05:00

I went to the library today. I got a library card and some knitting books! Would you expect anything else? Holy cow! They have a lot of the new knitting books too! I got some edging books to see how I want to finish off Cristin's blanket.

Yes, she is next in line to get a blanket. I have a mess of pink yarn that I got for scarves for coworkers that I made awhile ago. I bought twice as much as I needed, thinking that the yarn was fluffier than it was. Anyway, I have some boucle, fur, fluff, and regular worsted weight yarn all in varying shades of pink. The blanket will be made from the center out and be a square. I am not sure what kind of stripe pattern I will make, maybe just when I get tired of a yarn.

I went to Michael's after to get rhinestones and possibly silver yarn. No silver yarn but plenty of stick on rhinestones. I am redoing my cane. The rhinestones came off during the move. It is a sad sight. :o)

PS - sugar n cream yarn is on sale for a dollar!

My laundry room ceiling has a huge (aka 18 inches long) water spot and parts of the ceiling are crumbling from the storm we had on Thursday. Maintenance is coming to fix it. Luckily, no water came through during the storm and nothing else is wrong. We had another tornado/waterspot warning. The winds were amazingly strong, but no tornado formed.

Checkerboard-ish Washcloth

2009-06-17T22:08:00.002-05:00

pattern: Checkerboard-ish Washcloth

needles: US Size 7

yarn: Lion Brand Cotton-Ease in Turquoise

made for: B

notes: This is the third washcloth in the set for B. The cloth is a four row repeat of alternating K4, P4.

It's by Texas, right? Just how long is that bridge again?!?!

2009-06-14T16:50:00.003-05:00

pattern: Knitted Alaska Cloth

needles: US Size 7

yarn: Lion Brand Cotton-Ease in Turquoise

made for: B

notes: LOL! There is just too much to explain about this project!!! Hilarious!

eLoomanator's Diagonal Knit Dishcloth

2009-06-13T21:46:00.003-05:00

pattern: eLoomanator's Diagonal Knit Dishcloth

needles: US Size 7

yarn: Sugar n Cream Yarn in Oatmeal

made for: B

notes: another very quick knit - I started this yesterday and finished it tonight

2009-06-13T18:05:00.001-05:00

a very small bit of happiness is welling up inside of me.

My Coffee Cup Cloth

2009-06-12T21:57:00.003-05:00

pattern: My Coffee Cup Cloth

needles: US Size 7

yarn: Sugar n Cream Yarn in Oatmeal

made for: fun

notes: very quick knit - I started this yesterday and finished it tonight

Mitered Hanging Towel

2009-06-09T19:45:00.002-05:00

patternMitered Hanging Towel by Cristina Bernardi

needles:US Size 7

yarn:Sugar n Cream Yarn in Pale Yellow

made for:fun

note: there is a mistake in the decreasing. oh well, it still works. :o)

48 hours

2009-06-06T16:21:00.006-05:00

I drove up earlier this morning, had breakfast with Shan, and lunch with D. I got my haircut for the wedding. I went to the yarn store. I found the cord stoppers that I had been looking for. I bought a few because I couldn't find them in my area, and I plan on making at least one more yoga mat bag. I hung out at the BUXs with D for a bit.

Despite how I feel and what I want, I'm letting it go. I will always love you. This is the most difficult things that I have ever had to do.

I started the mitered hanging towel from the second Mason Dixon book last night. It uses the ball left over from the yellow yoga mat bag. It is half way finished. I have a tan button to sew on the loop that attaches to the oven door handle or what one would like to hang the towel from.

It was so weird driving in state again. And, I thought where I live now is surreal.

Today just really solidified some things about the decisions I made. Although I miss having a Joann Fabrics close by and despite my own feelings regarding the last several months, I think where I am now is where I need to be.

2009-06-04T21:43:00.002-05:00

Hooray! It's looks great! I can't wait to give the yoga mat bag to her!

2009-06-03T21:00:00.007-05:00

I feel like I have stepped into a spin off. I'm still doing what I do but the people are different and everything looks different. There are some people who look like they could be people you know but then you look again, they're not. The lookalikes are not anyone in particular, just like neighbors or acquaintances. Total randomness. Idk. This is going to take some time to get used to. I guess I am half expecting someone or something to be familiar. It is lonely here. I miss Shan.

I went to PT today. I picked up marbles with my toes. My foot looked like it was having a fit, shaking uncontrollably. It looked like a wagging tail.

I wonder if I am being punished for what happened in the past even though I took responsibility for my inaction. What if I fall in love again? Oh! What was that? Was that mention of some dirt?

Here is a very distracting picture of Delaware.

I took this picture of one of the trips prior to moving. It was a pond off the highway by the Dairy Queen. It was a nice place to take a break from driving. Heck yes, I had ice cream. It was delicious and had pieces of brownies. I may stop there again on the way back up.

blue braided scarf

2009-05-25T21:19:00.003-05:00

I finished the scarf today that I started on Friday. I am trying to go through one bin at a time and use what ever type of yarn is in the bin. The first bin is novelty yarn. Most of the skeins are single skeins. This scarf is based on the one my mother’s friend gave me last winter.

This scarf uses US size 9 needles and three types of yarn - ribbon, fuzzy eyelash, and terry clothy - each about 8 sts across. I sewed the top ends tog, then braided, the strips and sewed the bottom ends tog.

The scarf that my friend made started to unbraid itself after wearing for one season, so I thought it would be a good idea to secure the places where each strip crosses over the others. I put a running stitch through the center of the strips to keep them from unraveling.

I may put fringe on the ends. I am always on the fence about fringe.

This was a fast knit. I worked on the first two strips while the fios guy was here on Saturday. I started the third strip on Saturday. Then I finished the strip, braided, woven in the ends, and sewed today.

We went to the strawberry festival after the fios guy left. It was hot. I walked down the entire length of the stands with multiple breaks. I took the little shuttle back. I was too exhausted and my leg was swollen. I cannot tell you how much of a difference my cane makes when I walk. I can walk the span of the work day (with rests) with the cane versus two hours total throughout the day without the cane. I have been having wicked leg cramps in the medial part of the gastrocnemius muscle at night. It is so painful that I cannot think to get out of bed to get some medicine. My next appointment is Wednesday. I will see what the next step is.

Sunday we went to breakfast and then I went to work. Sat with her at the Buxs and then went home. Today I finished the scarf and just did things around the apartment (aka wash, etc).

I made oatmeal with bananas and chocolate bits cake this evening. I call it breakfast cake bc that is usually when we eat it, but I really don't think the author of the recipe intended it to be for breakfast. Eh. Whatever.

summer goals

2009-05-25T21:18:00.000-05:00

2009-05-24T21:36:00.002-05:00

I am slowly pulling the stick out of my ass. :o)

2009-05-23T23:12:00.002-05:00

I'm finally connected to the world again. Hooray for the internets!

I've been sorting through my yarn. It is possible that I have a lot. I pulled out some fun fur type yarn from the bottom of a bin the other night. I swear I had an idea of what I wanted to make when I bought it, but I cannot remember for the life of me what it was. I decided to sort it by color and make a blanket. It could be fun. I would like to make it square, starting from the center. We'll see.

I'm still working on other projects. I started working on the braided scarf. It is a scarf with three narrow strips each using a different yarn that are then braided together. I am almost finished the second strip. The yarns are ribbon, fluffy/eyelashy, and looks like terry cloth. I don't know how to describe the last yarn. All of the yarns are blue. I will post pictures when the scarf is finished. Idk who this scarf is for. I just decided to make it. The pattern is similar to the scarf a friend made me.

I'm so tired.

2009-05-13T17:53:00.002-05:00

I got some bad news from the doctor on Monday. The main concern is not falling and not shattering my leg. The bones in my leg and foot are riddled with holes. The doctor said it is the equivalent of a seventy year old woman. She said even the slightest fall will break my leg. Some of the treatments that could be done now would interfere with the magnet in my shunt; so, my choices at this point are limited. I don't want to depend on more medical devices or medication to live. I already have one implant; I don't want another. I don't like that this has become my life. I don't want to think about making adjustments/pain/distance. I just want to live my life and be able to walk normally.

s.q.

2009-05-10T13:44:00.006-05:00

I updated the entry Aveces with like one extra sentence.

I have been going back and forth on a few things: whether I should just write what I was feeling for the last several months or just let it go. I don't write to show that I was right or you were right. I write because it helps me. I like writing. I like organizing my knitting adventures, taking photos, finding new things, etc. I ask myself this because even now I still love you. That has not changed. I left bc you asked. I fulfilled my promises to you. I needed to leave for my self too. It was not easy to leave. It was not easy to pack up my life and move away. I do deserve better. It was not easy bare to be stared down. Even I can take only so much. I don't know what the purpose of that was.

shoes. brown shoes. don't fall into his arms. don't look. step aside. wait. walk away.

more yoga mat bags

2009-05-10T13:32:00.006-05:00

I don't think I ever posted a picture of the completed yoga mat bag for Shan. Anyway, here it is:

The bag is made with Sugar 'n Cream cotton yarn in pale yellow with US size 5 needles. The pattern is a modified version of Stephanie Roy's Serenity Yoga Bag from Knit Wit. Instead of the body of the bag being knitted in stripes, I used one color and Mrs. Montague's stitch pattern.

This is the pattern of the year apparently. I have started a fourth yoga mat bag for a family member. :) I have completed about 30% of the body of the bag. It is with the same cotton yarn but in light blue, bright blue, and white. The bag is longer now than when the photo was initially taken.

yoga mat bags for everyone

2009-05-02T10:54:00.007-05:00

I finished the yoga mat bag for Brianna and mailed it off to her this morning. The yarn is from a Target yoga mat bag kit. The color a light yellow green. the yarn is all cotton. However, I did not use the needles nor the pattern included in the kit.

The first change I made was to knit the bag in the round. Then I reduced the number of co sts from 114 to 86. I modified Stephanie Roy's pattern for the top of the bag - for the eyelet rows. Then completed the body of the bag using a *k2tog, yo* row alternating with a knit all row to produce a similar mesh pattern. I knit until there was enough yarn to cinch the bottom and weave in the ends.

For this project, I did include a few random knots during the weaving in of the ends to keep the bottom of the bag secure while carrying the mat.

Here

2009-04-24T17:33:00.003-05:00

I'm here! I am almost an official resident. Today I registered my car, changed over my title, registered to vote, found the recycling center, and went to the urgent care center. Don't worry; it is just an ear infection. I am getting the hang of making left turns across eight lanes of traffic. knock on wood. I love it so far! I know the change is good for me. It will be nice to start fresh and just heal myself. I have been so busy helping/etc everyone else that I have forgotten myself. I am going to put myself first. If I have learned anything from this, it would be that I am valuable, I am worth it, and that I should not feel guilty for taking care of my needs. I wish it would have worked out differently, but I could not stay there. My heart was so broken that I could not function. My feelings haven't changed, just the location. Maybe this will give me some peace.

obligatory soap post

2009-04-10T21:16:00.005-05:00

This is just one picture of some of the soap I made this week. I made a total of five pounds of soap this week. Yikes! I was busy. :) One is lavender with lavender buds, lavender essential oil, and lilac pigment powder. The other is pink with rose petals, cardamom, cinnamon, rose oil, and red bordeaux pigment powder.